Sample Ballot for Northeast Ohio Progressives/Urbanists

“A Chiller in Tremont’s Mega Progressive Sassypants Voter Guide,” by Joel Solow, was originally published at

This voter guide from @joelfrominwood in Cleveland and Vote Mob Ohio ( is dedicated to the hipsters, haters, and hipster-haters at Loop Cafe, the lovers at Lucky’s Cafe, the progressive mega-chillers hanging at Visible Voice book store down the block, the nerds, the freaks and the geeks at Prosperity Karaoke Night, the working folks at the Steel Mill, the pierogies at Sokolowski’s, the kids playing in Lincoln Park, the teachers at Tremont Montessori, and to my housemates at the best house in the world, 2225 W 11th.

Sample guides for areas throughout Ohio are available here:




U.S. Senate

‘”>Sherrod Brown (D)
‘”>John Fockler (L)
‘”>Joseph DeMare (G)
‘”>Josh Mandel (R)

What I Say

Reasons I support Sherrod Brown:

1. Josh Mandel just freaking looks like a Slytherin. He also behaves like a Slytherin, but without the charm of teenage Voldemort. He’s more like Snape, but without the redeeming qualities (SPOILER ALERT) 2. Sherrod Brown is a mega-champ on women’s issues and LGBTQ issues, which is NOT a given for Democrats. 3. Sherrod Brown fought like hell for a public option during the health care debate, which would have made it possible for everyone (not just seniors and the military) to get government health care, so I wouldn’t have to go to the blood-sucking salty demons at my insurance company for health care. We didn’t get the public option (BOO), but Sherrod went out for it. 4. Sherrod Brown loves kicking big bank ass. As such, I love Sherrod Brown. 5. Sherrod Brown’s voice is gravelly and awesome. He uses his voice to fuck with big corporations that I hate. He rules (except for his icky energy policy).


U.S. House of Representatives

‘”>Marcia Fudge (D)

What I Say

Well, this one is easy. Do I support Marcia Fudge for Congress, or do I support Marcia Fudge for Congress? Gerrymandering sucks, which we’ll get to later. Marcia Fudge is aight, but I wish I had some choice in the matter. Still, she’s no Boehner.



‘”>Barack Obama (D)
‘”>Gary Johnson (L)
‘”>Jill Stein (G)
‘”>Mitt Romney (R)

What I Say

It’s all about the community organizer v. Scrooge McDuck

Much as I would love to cast a vote for Jill Stein (swoon), I’m not gonna pretend I’m not completely mortified by the idea of a Romney-Ryan administration. Like, it makes me more scared than American Horror Story (it kind of IS an American Horror Story). While Obama’s disappointed me on a lot of things, I still believe there’s space to push him to live up to his badass community organizer background (if our movement of community organizer badasses can get our stuff together). We’ve pushed him and gotten victories around immigration issues, LGBTQ issues, and even environmental issues (though we haven’t gotten enough). That space to push does NOT exist with Mittens and Lyin, who would, among other things: 1. Repeal Roe v. Wade 2. Drill for oil and frack even more than we do now, which sucks 3. Put up a border fence and break up even more families with heinous and hateful immigration policy 4. Privatize social security, medicare and medicaid 5. Give even more tax breaks to kajillionaires 6. Cut food stamps, PBS, AmeriCorps and like EVERYTHING that helps support working class folks in times of need. 7. And oh yeah, repeal the Affordable Care Act, which is saving people’s lives for REAL. So I’m not about them. I think they are another step towards right-wing semi-authoritarian hell. And I’m not about to go there. 2000-20008 was enough THANK YOU.




State House of Representatives

‘”>Bill Patmon (D)

What I Say

Again, I really can’t wait until we fix gerrymandering in this state. I like Bill Patmon, but we really need competitive voting districts for this Democracy thing to work.


Ballot Statewide


Yes on Issue 2

What It Does

Proposed Constitutional Amendment Proposed by Initiative Petition To add and repeal language in Sections 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 9 and 13 of Article XI, repeal Sections 8 and 14 of Article XI, and add a new Section 16 to Article XI of the Constitution of the State of Ohio.

What I Say

The current state and federal district lines look like they were drawn by Honey Boo Boo with an etch-a-sketch. Marcy Kaptur’s district includes Toledo, the WEST FREAKING SIDE OF CLEVELAND, and a lighthouse off of I-90. Akron is cut into FOUR congressional districts. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! That process was partisan, racist, and diminished the power of cities and local communities to have real choice in their elections, by making safe districts for Democrats and Republicans alike. I want competitive districts so that we can primary the hell out of sucky Democrats, and so that candidates actually have to fight for their constituents to remain in office. Yes on Issue 2 is one of the things I’m most excited to vote for this season.


No on Issue 1

What It Does

Question Presented Pursuant to Article XVI Section 3 of the Constitution of the State of Ohio

What I Say

As much as I love the idea of amending the constitution, I’m WAY too grossed out by our state government to feel comfortable going there right now. I don’t want John “ass-brigade” Kasich anywhere near our constitution. I just don’t. That jerk is killing our cities, trying to mess with our unions, and canceled my train. No WAY he’s touching the constitution.


User Candidate


Cuyahoga County Prosecutor

‘”>Timothy McGinty (D)
‘”>Ed Wade

What I Say

Timothy McGinty gives me some willies, but he seems to have a very clear vision of what he’s doing. I really like how much he looks to go after the foreclosure issue and take on predatory lenders and home flippers. Those bastards gutted our city, and I hope McGinty can go after white collar criminals as much as the folks who get locked up at the bottom of the system.


State Board of Education, District 11

‘”>Mary Rose Oakar
‘”>Beverly Goldstein

What I Say

In her dissertation, Beverly Goldstein states: “The overarching goal of Jihadis is global domination”. She also suggests that textbook review is a super-secret method jihadists use to win, and advocates for all approved social studies materials to promote constitutional literalism, because anything else is an “attack”. ‘Nuff said, I’m rolling with Mary Rose Oakar, she doesn’t sound like a xenophobic purist. CREEPY.


Judge of the Court of Common Pleas- Juvenile

‘”>Michael John Ryan (D)
‘”>Anjanette A Whitman (R)

What I Say

Michael John Ryan was endorsed by the Plain Dealer and He seems like a chiller who came from a really rough background, which could make him relatable to juveniles in the system. He’s emphasized prioritizing helping at-risk youth, and is a judge I’m genuinely excited about voting for when I vote early.


Judge of the Court of Common Pleas- Juvenile

‘”>Frankie Goldberg (D)
‘”>Denise Rini (R)

User Ballot

Yes on County Issue 107- School Levy

What It Does

Shall a levy be imposed by the Cleveland Municipal School District for the purpose of current expenses of the school district and of partnering community schools at a rate not exceeding 15 mills for each one dollar of valuation (of which 1 mill is to be allocated to partnering community schools), which amounts to $1.50 for each one hundred dollars of valuation, for four years, beginning 2012, which will first be payable in calendar year 2013?

What I Say

Okay. So. Cleveland Municipal School District has made a lot of mistakes. And people are justified in being pissed. But LET’S BE REAL. 1. This situation was created by turd-monster Governor Kasich who slashed the state funding for education by BILLIONS of dollars (when you read that, think of it in Dr. Evil voice), and passed the pain in the ass job of asking for money to the cities. A HUGE number of Ohio counties are asking for money this year because of those cuts, so this ain’t just us (and it sure as hell ain’t justice). 2. If we don’t pass the levy and the state (with Governor Moneybags, Shitty-Guy-in-Chief Kasich at the helm) takes control of the school system, you’d best believe that a full on school privatization scheme is going to be in full effect. Kiss your public school goodbye and say hello to educational apartheid, where the good kids go to charter schools that don’t have enough space and resources for everybody, and the bad kids get locked up and go to our delightful juvenile detention center. Don’t even get me started on how NOT building the juvenile detention center could have filled our budget gap. 3. Our freaking education funding is unconstitutionally based on home values- can we change THAT some time soon?

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